The good, the bad & the bloody

It's no secret around these parts that I recently had a baby.  Seeing as how it's my second child, you would think I would have remembered everything about new mommyhood.  5 years and 900,000 cocktails later, it seems I forgot how AWESOME a post pregnancy body is.  Except not.  Everyone is quick to give advice about pregnancy and a newborn, but no one seems to want to touch on the subject of what your body will go through in the days and months following birth.

Obviously I'm not a medical professional, this list is my experience, and mine alone.  If you're a pregnant reader, don't be alarmed, you might not experience the same things I am. And if you do, God bless ya!

1.  The bleeding.  I'm having the longest "period" of my life.  I've been bleeding for over 4 weeks.  Sounds scary right? It amazes me that us women can bleed for a week straight and not die, but four? Damn!  Tampons are a no-no, so I've been having to wear a diaper pad.  It stinks. Literally.

2.  You'll still look pregnant.  When I left the hospital I still looked about 5 months pregnant. 4 weeks later, while I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight, my belly hasn't seemed to get the memo.  It's still pretty squishy to the touch.

3.  Stretch Marks.  Unfortunately, this is genetic.  With my first pregnancy I lathered SO much stretch mark lotion on my belly everyday of my pregnancy (sometimes multiple times a day) and still ended up with stretch marks.  This pregnancy, my stretch marks got stretch marks. I'd like to thank a very lovely nurse for pointing this out to me.  Bitch.  Over time they usually fade, but they won't go away completely without the help of surgery.  At this point, I'm considering it! I live in a bikini in the summer and having deep tiger stripes on my belly isn't an option for me. I'll be trying out different stretch mark creams and hopefully I'll find one that at least minimizes them a little bit!

4.  My boobs, oh lawd my boobs!  They are the biggest, sorest, droopiest things I've ever seen in my life.  I'm 5'1, 110 lbs and my boobs as of today are at a 36D.  Seriously?! I look like a sideshow freak, excuse me while I tuck my ladies into my waistband.  Ok, it's not that bad, but the mommy plastic surgery package is sounding pretty tempting right about now.  Breastfeeding is, in my experience, the most challenging part.  From the milk letdown (OUCH), to the leaking, the clogged ducts and sore nipples, you'd think us mamas would get a break after the pregnancy and delivery.  Nope!

5.  Dry skin.  I think this is a side effect of breastfeeding.  My hands are so dry, even the best moisturizing creams don't help.  My legs are dry, my hair, my arms.  It's awful.

6.  Appetite.  This is where I differ from the "norm".  I've read over numerous sites that state I'll supposedly be hungry all the time.  Well, for me, that's completely untrue.  Maybe I'm just too deliriously tired to realize when I'm hungry, but I just don't want to eat.  Like, ever.

7.  Mood swings.  I'm not talking about being a little weepy one minute and happy the next.  I'm talking straight up enraged one minute, sappy sweet the next.  My poor boys probably think mama's off her rocker.  I'm ready for my hormones to level themselves out, thank you!

8.  Back aches. In the first two weeks after delivering, my lower back pain was so bad I could barely walk, and when I attempted to walk I had to do it hunched over.  Not pretty.  My obgyn recommended going to a chiropractor, but something about that intimidates me.  Anyone have any experience in that area??

9.  C-section recovery.  For the most part, I'm glad I went ahead and scheduled my delivery.  I delivered an 8 lb 15.5 oz baby, which was the same size as my first so I probably would have ended up needing it anyway, but the recovery is no picnic.  Walking was pretty much unbearable for the first few days and even 4 weeks later the incision and areas around it are still pretty tender.  I'm not sure if the C-section itself had anything to do with it, but I had horrible, painful gas pains the few days following the surgery.

10. Sweating.  You'd think I was going through menopause.  I had hot flashes like crazy and more often than not woke up in the middle of the night drenched.  Hormones are wonderful, aren't they?

11.  Constipation.  Even with all of the stool softeners and laxatives I took, I didn't have a bm until nearly two weeks after I gave birth.  I was almost to the last resort (enemas and suppositories YIKES) when my body finally let me go to the bathroom.  I think I scared the shit out of myself.  Literally!


Well, if this little list isn't good enough reason to have a baby, I don't know what is!  JK, but really...I know it sounds scary and gross, and it is,  but as cliche as is sounds....SO worth it.  All this nasty stuff will pass in a matter of time but I'll have my little dude forever!